Lucky Number 7

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Today Matt and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary.

And by “celebrated,” I mean I woke up and found a wonderful, heartfelt card from Matt, because I had reminded him our anniversary was coming two days earlier. But then I forgot our anniversary was coming so Matt got nothing from me.

By “celebrated,” I also mean Matt made me and the boys bacon and eggs and English muffins for breakfast. And Jem cried because we took too long to put jelly on his English muffin, and then he ate it and all that was left were the hideous bacon and eggs and the weight of this realization stripped his young life of all luster. And Bran cried because he had a fever and the shivers, and wanted to sit in my lap and lick the jelly off my English muffin until it was a wet blob, and then feed it to me. And Finn shouted, “I don’t want it!” and “Go away eggs!” and “We will rock you!” when we told him about his breakfast.

Some anniversary celebrations involve poignant reflections by candlelight in a nice restaurant, and some involve a child washing the windows with a dirty sponge, and another child eating the insides of a teabag and a third child weeping bitterly because his Incredible Hulk action figure was hamstrung in a basketball net, and his mother removed it and handed it to him, which was, like, an abomination.

Like any couple celebrating their 7th anniversary, Matt and I watched Disney’s “The Princess and The Frog” followed by “Annie” followed by some episodes of “Spiderman,” frequently wiping green ropes of snot from slackjawed faces that were not our own. We then watched our children defile their lunch of minestrone soup. The soup was very unwanted.

When we put them down for their nap, we breathed a sigh of relief because finally we were alone and could honor our special day by not talking to each other while we cleaned various rooms of our house.

Our big plan was to go to a block party in Church Hill in the afternoon, but our sickly kids were sleeping so long that the plan was becoming jeopardized, so we did something that no parent should ever do—even if it is their 7th anniversary. We woke our children up early from their naps.

That’s right, we took our tired, unhealthy children to a block party to listen to loud music so we could drink beer. And because the music was not Queen, Coldplay, the ABC song or any track from the “Muppets” movie, our kids had no interest and spent their time playing in the gutter, running off with strangers and trying to poke their fingers into the fontanels of nearby sleeping infants. Then one of them threw their Bat Girl action figure, which I had painstakingly researched and spent a chunk of money on so that they would have a badass female superhero and understand that women were strong and powerful, too. And that dumb bitch’s head popped off as soon as she hit the pavement.

Before I move on to the conclusion of our evening, I would also like to regretfully confess that on this, our 7th wedding anniversary, I spent $15 on cotton candy trying to keep our kids entertained.

In an attempt to have a conversation that didn’t involve us running away mid-sentence to fish a child out from behind a row of trash cans, we rallied some friends at the block party to have dinner with us at a nearby restaurant. And thank goodness we did, otherwise they would have missed out on our feral kids waving butter knives at each other, sliding onto the floor under the table as if they had been liquefied and running around the restaurant like a bunch of sugar-crazed loons who had just been given $15 of cotton candy by some idiot.

We’ve had some great outings with the kids recently, but today was a big, fat bust. However, I’m going to slap some lipstick on that pig and say that we have some truly amazing friends who don’t mind a little crazy and are willing to jump in and help out and suffer along with us. With three two-year olds, it takes a village sometimes.

And really, that’s the best thing that could have happened to us today. To be reminded that we’re not alone, that we have people to support us. Our marital success is the product of more than just our own effort.

So happy anniversary to all you fine folks who helped us get here, tonight, and yesterday, and every day before stretching back seven weird and wonderful years. We couldn’t have done it without you.

And Matt, thanks for being the person who always pulls me out of the gutter when I try to be a badass bitch and my head pops off.

XO for forever and seven.

  • Jen
    October 19, 2015

    Happy anniversary. You deserve it! Except the headless bitch, just leave her in the gutter!

  • Kathleen Brehony
    October 19, 2015

    Love it! Keep your head on at all costs!!!

  • Mamba = Elmo
    October 19, 2015

    Happy Anny you crazy kids! It’ll get better, but these are the times you will always remember! Love you!

  • C. Jones
    October 19, 2015

    You don’t know me, I am a friend of M.M., I read about your Anniversary Day and was so entertained! I am sure you will treasure the memory some day but for right now if you don’t write for a living you should. I read a lot and can see you have talent.

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